Last night I attended a concert and all the bands were amazing, if you like music, which I do. I don't go to a lot of music shows because I can listen to cds or watch youtube from the comfort of my own home while naked and I can usually read while doing so. You can't read at a concert, or a comedy show, unless the comedian is super racist and rapey, then do whatever you want. (Please don't read a book at my show. (Unless it's one I wrote.))
Anyway, the bands were super great and I was feeling kinda socially awkward because of all of the crowds of humans. I like humans, individually, but in a pack/class/angry mob with torches/stampede, they give me some anxiety. I was dealing with it fine because I am a pro at dealing with anxiety, or in other words a stand up comic.
After the musics three friends and I went to another bar to play pinball and have drinks. I'm quite good at pinball and very good at drinking, but when you combine the two it doesn't always elicit to the best results. We were sitting at this table and this loud group of kookily dressed weirdos came in. At first I thought they were just benign hipsters who dressed that way all the time, and later I inferred they were costumed and celebrating someone's impending nuptials, which is actually worse.
This one girl sitting across from me looked like Krysten Ritter, which is a compliment from me. She was very drunk and slurred, "Hey, hey girl, hey..."
I looked behind me and didn't see anyone. "Me?" I said.
"You're like really really hot."
"Oh, thank you." That was just me being polite.I'm not like "really really hot." I'm barely British television sitcom mousey girl hot.
"Hey, girl, hey come sit by me."
"Um."
"What's your name?"
"....Barbara..." I said quietly.
"Barbara... Hey, I know you. Hey, hey funny girl, say something funny! Funny person. You're the funny girl. Say something funny! I know you, right? Do I know you? Funny girl!"
"I don't know. Maybe?"
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"...No..." I said even quieter.
The weird part (in addition to everything else that has happened so far) was that I was sitting directly across from a guy I had been kinda sorta seeing relatively casually for the last three months. I don't call him my boyfriend, mostly because he would hate that. Well, he never said that, I just assumed because he's hot and smart and cool and interesting that he would hate being called my boyfriend. So, I had to say "no I don't have a boyfriend." But if he were not there I would have lied and said I was in a committed monogamous relationship because I didn't want to get hit on by a girl who hung out with dudes wearing raccoon davey crocket hats.
The OTHER weird part, is why do I feel like I need to say "I have a partner" to deter unwanted advances? Why can't I just say, "No, I'm totally single, you're just not my type." Girls drop that all the time in conversation, "Sorry I have a boyfriend." Why can't I just be all, "Sorry, I have standards"? Just because I'm a single woman doesn't mean I'm so desperate for someone to fill my vacant womb that I'll say yes to anyone.
Sevenish hours later I woke up next to my vibrator and a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You," again.
One hour after that I started my period.
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